The Worst Nightmare

I posted this picture on Instagram yesterday.  I had been working in the kitchen and there was some water under my ring, so I slipped it off to dry my finger.  As I held it in my hand, I realized how light and small it was.  This little band of high quality materials symbolizes so much.  A union.  A promise.  A fortress for well-being.  A family.  Loyalty.  Faithfulness.  Perseverance.  Dedication.  Love.  I was overwhelmed with feelings of thankfulness and being blessed.  I've married a truly wonderful man, my best friend.

Last night I had a lot of difficulties sleeping.  I needed to go to bed before 11pm so that I could get up at 6:30am to head to Starbucks to study.  I had trouble falling asleep because 1) my mind was racing with all of the things I have yet to study and the limited time I have, 2) it was cold in our room, and 3) it's the weekend so Kyle stays up late which means he wasn't with me.  At around 5am I finally got up and went to the bathroom.  This left me even more awake than I had been the other times I'd woken up.  It took me forever to fall asleep and when I finally did, I had the worst dream ever.  I thought I'd had really bad dreams before, the ones where someone's trying to kill me or where bad things happen.  This was far worse.

In this nightmare, Kyle was there 100%.  It was a time before we were married.  I got engaged to someone else, and Kyle was there.  The three of us.  And every single moment of that nightmare, I kept thinking "What have I done?  I don't want to be with this guy.  I want to be with Kyle.  Why am I engaged to this person?  I want to be with Kyle."  I felt so stuck.  The person I wanted to spend eternity with was right in front of me, he cared about me, he was my best friend, I knew I could eternally be happy with him, but I had simply said 'yes' to another guy.  I was so sad.  I felt my dream was reality.  I felt like my life had been a dream, and that this is really how it played out.

So when my alarm went off at 6:30am, I felt like crying.  And then I turned over, and there was Kyle.  My Kyle.  I quietly turned off the alarm, told him I had a bad dream, and he simply said "tell me about it" followed by "unless you don't want to; you don't have to."  I briefly told him what happened and he let me snuggle with him.  I fell back asleep and was finally restful.  I'm glad I set a backup alarm for 7:10am so that I'm not too far behind on my study schedule, but I'm even more thankful that my dream was simply a dream, and that my life is absolutely wonderful.

I've had bad 'visions' of things happening, Kyle dying from one thing or another, and I've been absolutely terrified.  This nightmare has really put things into perspective for me.  Yes, it would be absolutely terrible if Kyle died prematurely and I don't really know how I would get through it.  But at least we've had the opportunity to begin our union here on Earth.  As Bahá'ís, we believe this union isn't transient.  We will be together through all the worlds of God, and I am so thankful.  I hesitated in writing this post because I didn't think I'd be able to find the right words to express how I feel.  I still don't think I did an adequate job, but just the act of writing it down has solidified these feelings within me.

And now, I'll head back to my books with a smile on my face because I know Kyle's safe and sound in our bed at home and we're together.  I couldn't ask for a better start to my day.